


No Rules

by AshAndSnow



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blackouts, Casual Relationship, Cheating, Cheesy drunken philosophical conversations, Complicated Relationships, Confessions, Dorks in Love, First Kiss, First Meetings, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied one night stand, Late Night Conversations, Late Night Drives, M/M, Mention of being forced back into the closet, Mention of gay conversion camps, Mutual Pining, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Odin (Marvel)'s Bad Parenting, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Secret Relationship, The kind without light not the kind without memory, Therapy, and also just hurt, dorks in denial, except not really, mention of abusive relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2020-09-30 17:15:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 11,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20450699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshAndSnow/pseuds/AshAndSnow
Summary: It’s nothing as romantic as love at first sight. That doesn’t mean they won’t get there.A series of glimpses into the relationship of Tony and Loki, starting with that very first meeting on a deserted college campus in the middle of the night.Or: I decided to aries a fic and this is the result.





	1. Chapter 1

“Fuck this utter load of horseshit!” were just about the last words in the world Tony had expected to hear right about now.

It was late, Tony was on his way home from a night out on the town, and the light of the full and heavy moon was more than enough to illuminate the campus grounds on this beautiful early fall night. And it had shown Tony that he was alone.

Or so he’d thought.

But upon closer inspection, he was quick to discover that this was, in fact, not the case.

“Everything okay?”

Tall, pale, and handsome – the source of those words, so coarse yet wrapped in and softened by such an exquisite accent – looked up from his place on the bench. Judging by the arching of his eyebrow, he was less than impressed by Tony’s inquiry.

“No.”

Well. Tony could have told himself as much.

Still, the obvious leave-me-alone vibe the guy was giving off wasn’t doing anything to scare Tony off. The guy looked tired, the backpack next to him making it clear that he hadn’t just been out for a casual midnight stroll. Tony figured he could take a guess at what might be going on.

“Lost your keys and your roommate went to bed?” he suggested.

The guy’s look turned to a glare. But damn if he didn’t still look hot. “No.”

“Got stood up?”

“No.”

“Got lost?”

“If you must know, my brother has locked me out of our apartment without asking if I could find alternate accommodations for the night. And reaching anybody who will let me camp out at their place for the night is easier said than done.”

Yikes. Tony could see why that would leave such a sour expression on his face.

But, well. He could also see how this might be an opportunity for himself.

“Well, my bed’s open.”

“That’s a terrible come on.”

“No, it’s brilliant, you just want to sulk.”

“Is that a crime?”

“You’d be warmer if you sulked at my place.”

“I don’t go home with strangers.”

“I’m Tony. If you tell me your name, we won’t be strangers anymore.”

The guy glowered at him, but damn if he wasn’t the most beautiful thing Tony had ever laid eyes on in that moment. Face perfectly framed by black locks, legs for days, the moon making his skin look absolutely unreal and ethereal, casting shadows upon his face and highlighting his incredible bone structure. Factor in the inviting perfume of flowers in the air and it was a scene straight out of a romantic comedy.

Damn indeed.

“I’m not falling for that. That’s the oldest trick in the book.”

Okay. Tough crowd. But Tony wasn’t deterred.

“Alright, fair enough,” he did, however, relent. Then he made his final suggestion. If the guy really didn’t want his company, Tony’d leave, but he was persistent enough to give it one more go. “How about this, then. You can’t sit here all night. I’ll take you somewhere. Somewhere public, order you a drink and some food, something you can keep your eye on at all times. No funny business. I’ll keep you company until you find somewhere else to go. You will owe me nothing but your name in exchange. Sound fair?”

A beat passed, as the guy looked away. And then another. And another. And another.

It was enough to make Tony shift a bit. Perhaps even roll his eyes, throw his hands in the air, and abandon the effort.

He probably should. He didn’t know the guy, and the guy didn’t seem eager to be known. But the atmosphere of this utterly gorgeous evening – the perfume in the air, the moonlight, the lingering warmth of summer, all turning this into an evening with an almost magical mood at its edges – compelled him to stay where he was. Something told him it was the right move. Something told him he did not want to give up on what was in front of him, that something important could slip from his fingers if he didn’t tighten its grip and refuse to let it slip away so easily.

Finally, the guy sighed and looked back up to meet his gaze. “Loki.”

“What?”

“My name. It’s Loki.”

Tony grinned, taking this as the victory it was, and reached out to offer the guy a hand.

“Well then, Loki. Where to?”


	2. Chapter 2

The first week of knowing Loki was… interesting, to say the least.

As it turned out, Loki was every bit as suspicious and reserved as he had seemed that fateful night by the bench, but Tony wasn’t deterred.

Because Loki didn’t strike him as the kind of guy who would do anything he didn’t actually want to do. If Loki was really bothered by Tony’s persistence, he would have said so or walked away or punched him. All of which Tony could – and would – respect.

Yet that one late night visit to a 24/7 diner was proving the beginning of something beautiful, Tony felt sure of it, as Loki slowly warmed up to him.

And this was only solidified, almost exactly one week after their first meeting, as the two of them were walking home. Tony had pestered Loki to go get drunk on vodka slushies in the park, and they were both pleasantly buzzed, caught up in conversation to the point where muscle memory was the only thing carrying their feet forward and taking them home.

“All I’m saying is that Spongebob has shaped an entire generation, and your opinion is scientifically the most wrong it could be.”

Loki scoffed. “Pinky and the Brain is genius, though! How many plans to take over the world did Spongebob hatch? None!”

“And how many times did Pinky and the Brain ever succeed? None! Spongebob, on the other hand, is an endless source of memes and jokes, which means Spongebob has practically taken over the internet, which means Spongebob is pretty close to having taken over the world.”

“Are you genuinely trying to tell me that memes are the modern day equivalent of world domination?”

That hadn’t been Tony’s point, he thought, but it was too late to back out now. And Tony was nothing if not persuasive. He would probably have ruled the debate team if he had ever joined. “Yes. What’s more relevant than memes? Who isn’t familiar with iconic phrases like ‘no, this is Patrick’? It’s about staying relevant, man, and nothing’s more relevant than Spongebob memes.”

And then, for the first time in Tony’s presence, Loki looked at him and laughed. 

That laugh doomed Tony; like a drop in the ocean, so inconsequential at first glance but creating ripples that would reach much farther than Tony could ever have anticipated.  
He didn’t know it yet. But It would come soon enough. And by then, it would be far, far too late to do anything about it.

Hell. It would be far too late for him to even want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is 'no, it's Patrick' the most iconic phrase of all time, leave your vote in the comments


	3. Chapter 3

“Tell me something you daydream about.”

They haven’t even slept together yet, haven’t even kissed yet – though they both know it’s in the air – and already Loki is asking this kind of questions.

For his part, Tony doesn’t mind. Watching Loki right now, as they sharing a cigarette, just out of reach of the streetlights but not the rapidly cooling night air, eyes half closing every time the man takes a drag… Tony finds that he likes it.

It’s likely not unique to Loki, but it sure as hell feels like it. Like nobody else in the entire world could get away with that sort of thing, digging into the thoughts of someone he barely knows. But Tony finds himself strangely willing to open up and let himself be known. At least in smaller ways, like this.

“As a kid, I wanted to live on a star,” Tony finally says. “I had a nanny who’d tell these stories about the star people. How their worlds were bright and shiny and they could draw energy from the stars to make all sorts of wonderful things. I wanted that sort of energy at my fingertips.”

What Tony doesn’t say is that she had been fired (Tony remembers vaguely that she was blamed for it, something about trying to do something to or with Howard; in hindsight, he wonders if she was really at fault at all).

“Like magic?” Loki asks, because of course he asks that, and Tony likes the way they view things both differently and the same.

“I always thought of it as a souped up work shop. Candyland for engineers and inventors. But maybe she meant magic all along.”

Loki shrugs, takes another drag of the cigarette before passing it back to Tony. “Maybe it’s a little bit of both,” he suggests.

Tony’s mouth quirks up in a small smile. “Yeah. Maybe.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Here you are.”

Tony looks up at the sound of Loki’s voice and accepts one of the two beers his friend just went up to the bar to get for them. “About time. Your pretty face fail to get you to the front of the line or what?”

Loki snorts. A noise which, in itself, should be incredibly inelegant and off-putting and yet Loki makes it seem cute. It doesn’t line up with the way he is otherwise so put together, and perhaps that’s why Tony likes it. “On the contrary, the bartender didn’t seem overly eager to let me slip away again.”

“Can’t blame him,” Tony says after the first sip of his drink. He doesn’t realize how much he means it. “But also fuck that, you’re not ditching me for the bartender.”

“Of course not. It would ruin my mysterious act.”

Tony grins. “Oh, yeah? That what it’s about? You being all charm and once you’ve reeled them in you’re gone like the slippery fucker you are.”

Loki shrugs, completely nonchalant. Except for the part where a tiny smirk is tugging at the corner of his mouth. It’s small enough that Tony’s sure most wouldn’t notice. It startles him a bit to think about how much he sees in Loki that others are blind to.

“I neither confirm nor deny,” Loki simply replies and it has Tony grinning even wider.

“I knew it. You’re far too dramatic to flirt like a normal person, of course you’ll adopt the Tall, Dark, and Handsome act.”

Loki turns his green gaze on Tony, and it’s a challenge of the best kind, an undertone of a smolder that sends Tony’s insides on a rollercoaster ride and makes his throat go dry. “So you know my secret,” Loki says, a curious and irresistible mix of playful and sexy. “Will you buy into it anyway?”

It’s the first time Loki’s openly done something so flirtatious with him, despite this murky Something that they both know is there – and they both know they both know is there. It takes Tony by surprise, and there is no way for him to defend himself against.

“Yeah,” he says once their gazes have been locked just a beat too long for them to deny its true nature. Even now, neither looks away. “I guess I’ll buy it.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Do you ever wonder what we’d have been like in a different life?”

Tony doesn’t bother raising his eyebrows at the question. They’re sitting on the floor in a corner at a party, and Loki’s a little bit drunk. It’s really par for the course, and Tony knows this by now.

“Well, now I do,” he admits. He’s not as philosophical as Loki is. Or rather, they’re both philosophical and full of big questions, but the questions are not always the same. “But I guess… Well, there’s a theory of a multiverse, right? Which means there’s potentially an infinite number of universes out there, where we relate to each other in an infinite number of ways. Anything could be true.”

“Anything?” Loki asks. His tone of voice lets Tony know that, yes, Loki already knew about this theory. But he’s asking anyway, just to hear Tony talk. It’s making Tony oddly self aware. Like he could count every single hair in his beard without a mirror, like he can feel every single fiber of his shirt against his skin, like he’s burning where his knee’s touching Loki’s. It’s not an unpleasant feeling, really, but it is overwhelming.

“Yes. Anything. We could be mortal enemies in one world; you could be trying to throw me out a window over a simple disagreement. In some, we could be strangers. And in others, we could be lovers. So it’s not really a question of imagining what we’d be like in another life. It’s just… realizing we could be everything.”

It comes out a lot more loaded than Tony intended for it to. It makes Loki turn his head, and suddenly their eyes are locked, and, oh.

Tony’s long since realized just how easy it is to get lost in Loki’s eyes. That doesn’t mean it ever lessens the impact of Loki looking at him. If anything, it’s growing.

Tony’s on the verge of leaning in, reaching out, doing something, when Loki speaks.

“I think you’re wrong.”

Tony blinks, trying to drag himself back to the conversation at hand. “Huh? I mean. What?” Great. Really eloquent, Tony. At least Loki’s smiling. Just a touch, just a little. But he’s definitely smiling. “What do you mean you disagree, you can’t disagree with infinity.”

But of course Loki can. There’s nothing stopping him from doing and thinking exactly what he wants. Tony loves that about him.

“I think you’re wrong,” he repeats. “I think we’ll meet. In every life and every world, I think I’ll find you.” He shrugs a bit. “I cannot fathom a life where I would not care for you.”

Before he can stop himself, Tony thinks about what a wonder Loki truly is.

Before his brain can catch up with him, he’s leaning in to kiss this wonder that is Loki.

Before he has the chance to panic, long fingers wrap in his shirt and settle on his jaw, and they pull him closer still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost St. Martin's Day, although my family's celebrating tonight. If you're from a place that celebrates in any way, shape, or form, hope you have a good one.


	6. Chapter 6

Things aren’t the same after that.

And not for the better.

In the months since Loki entered his life – or, Tony supposes, he inserted himself into Loki’s – they’ve only been growing closer and closer, spending more and more time together. Which makes it all the more noticeable, when Loki starts to avoid him in the wake of the night, they’d kissed.

And the worst part is that Tony is noticing it, because he’d been intending to avoid Loki, too. Except there has been nothing or no one to avoid.

And naturally, his friends aren’t much help either.

“Let me get this straight,” Rhodey says, his eyebrow raised. Said eyebrow is telling Tony, he’s an idiot, and all Tony can think of, is the way Loki does the eyebrow communication thing far better. “You’re complaining because Loki’s avoiding you, and that makes it impossible for you to avoid him?”

Well, when you put it like that. “Uh. No?”

Pepper, sweet and saintly Pepper, steps in before Rhodey can roast the everloving shit out of him for being this dense. “He’s complaining, because he freaked out about his obvious feelings for Loki.” She doesn’t point out, that Loki’s absence is all the more reason to freak out, because what if Tony’s lost him, before he even had the chance to have him? But the friendship between the three of them being what it is, she doesn’t have to.

That, and that, too, is obvious.

Tony is silent, because he doesn’t want to lie. But the alternative is to admit to it; an option he doesn’t really like either.

Rhodey lets out a deep breath. Tony doesn’t blame him; he knows he’s being difficult right now. “Dude, you’re a moron,” he bluntly states.

“I know,” Tony agrees. But he doesn’t quite understand. Sure, he is, in fact, a moron. But Rhodey’s tone of voice is letting him know, there’s something he’s missing. He looks at his friend, waiting for him to continue.

“You realize, you don’t have monopoly on freaking out about your emotions, right? Who’s to say, he isn’t avoiding you for the exact same reason?”

“…huh. I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

Rhodey opens his mouth to say something, but Pepper beats him to it. “Because you’re too busy worrying about yourself to even think about his side of the story.” Her words are harsh, but her tone isn’t cutting him. And it’s not like she’s wrong.

Tony feels a tinge of something like regret or guilt, or whatever it is, that’s nagging at him. He shoves it aside.

“Alright,” he says, taking a deep breath of his own. The problem has been identified, and Tony is a wimp, but he is a wimp, who’s good at fixing things. “What do I do now?”

“Declare your love for him with a boom box under his window,” Rhodey tells him. The wryness of those words makes him miss Loki immensely.

It also sparks an idea.

Which is why - despite Rhodey’s endless mockery and Pepper’s pleas for sanity – he finds himself outside Loki’s window. With a boom box.

It’s not nearly as impactful as he hoped for. The boom box worked fine, when he checked it at home, but now it’s sputtering, and this isn’t the time or place to fix it. Loki also lives on the ground floor, which ruins a bit of the dramatic effect, he’d been going for. And he can’t find any pebbles to catch Loki’s attention with. If Loki’s even home – the curtains are pulled, and Tony can’t tell, if the lights are on.

This is so, so not the way, Tony pictured this going.

“What are you doing?”

Tony will claim to his dying day, that he did not yelp with surprise, nor did he jump about three feet into the air. What he will say happened, is that he was surprised while bent over his faulty equipment, and the sound of Loki’s voice made him straighten gracefully and exclaim in a dignified fashion.

“Uh.” Really eloquent. “I came to see you. It’s been a while.”

It’s so, so dumb, Tony can’t contain, how much he hates himself, for choosing those words, when he could have said literally anything else.

But the way, Loki looks at him, lets him know, that they both know, what’s going on. They’ve both been stupid. They both miss each other. They both want the other so much, it aches.

Letting his shoulders and pretenses drop, Tony rubs his faces. “Look. I never meant for that kiss to make things weird between us. Okay? You’ve…” Fuck, Tony’s so bad at emotions. But he knows, that he somehow fell in love with the one person, who’s even worse. If nothing else, he has to push through and do this for Loki.

Fuck, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do, if only he was doing it for Loki. And that includes making this fucked over apology.

“You’ve become one of the most important people in my life, Lokes. I refuse to lose you, because we’re too thick to talk.”

A beat. Two. Three.

Tony’s heart is hammering as he counts the seconds, that just keep on ticking by.

Finally, Loki purses his lips just a little. “It’s cold. We should go inside.”

Tony breathes a little easier.

“Yeah. Okay. Whatever you want.”


	7. Chapter 7

They don’t actually talk about things.

On some level, Tony knows, that they should. He’s an idiot, when it comes to handling his own emotions. But he isn’t blind. They didn’t fix the problem. They didn’t communicate about their feelings. They didn’t even take a step in the right direction, of learning to be adult and mature with each other.

They don’t even really acknowledge, that they kissed. Which hurts. Tony wants more, he wants so much more. He’s felt, what it’s like to have Loki in his arms. He knows the feel of those lips on his. He’s had a taste of Loki’s sighs and his tongue and his goddamn soul.

He wants so much, that it’s changing the map of his heart irrevocably. He doesn’t know how to go back, and be content with what he has.

He manages anyway. 

They’re friends again. And Tony has tasted the loss of him so acutely, he isn’t risking it again.

Naturally, Pepper and Rhodey both think, he’s being an idiot.

“This isn’t what we meant, when we told you, to go talk to him,” Pepper chides. It’s board game night, and yet the topic keeps veering towards Tony and Loki.

Tony wishes, they’d focus on squabbling about the damn game.

“Yeah, well, I fixed the issue, didn’t I?”

It rings hollow, and they all know it. On the surface, they’re good, sure. But Tony’s desire is making him unhappy. And he knows – fuck, he really knows – that pretending, everything is fine, isn’t a proper solution. Sooner or later, their inability to talk and communicate will blow up in their faces.

But for now, Tony’s sticking his head in the sand. If it means keeping Loki, he’ll take whatever risks are necessary. He can only hope, things won’t blow up, or that he’s pulled himself together before they do. His odds are terrible, but he’s gambling anyway.

Next to him, Pepper rolls her eyes. Tony ignores it and rolls the dice.


	8. Chapter 8

Tony can practically hear Pepper screaming at him, what a terrible idea this is.

And, to be completely fair, she would be absolutely right.

Fortunately, what Pepper doesn’t know, can’t hurt her. And so, Tony is following Loki through hallways, up stairs, and through a window, until they’re on the roof of the Tennyson Building and nothing is separating them from the vast expanse of the sky.

“I told you I could get us up here,” Loki says, a pointed but amused look in Tony’s direction. He’s got a bottle of vodka in one hand, and he’s using the other for balance, while he lowers himself into a sitting position.

“Yeah, yeah, alright, fine. You’re king of the rooftops now, o almighty,” Tony quips back, all dry humor and buried affection as he sits down next to Loki. Their elbows brush and Tony wants to die right here. It wouldn’t be a bad place to do so; reclined on the sloping roof of the highest building on campus, tipsy on the whiskey from his own liquor bottle, the man he… well, with Loki by his side.

“And I told you, the view is unmatched,” Loki further boasts. They both lay back completely on their backs, eyes on the myriad of stars out on this clear, beautiful night. It’s cold and none of them are wearing enough clothes, but they’ve got booze and each other’s laughter to keep them warm.

“Fine, you’re king of the rooftop and king of the stars too,” Tony says, letting him have it. He doesn’t need to look at Loki to know, he is silently laughing. He can feel the gentle shake of his shoulders next to him.

“That’s all I ever wanted – to be ruler of the night sky.”

Tony smiles, even if he knows there’s an inexplicable ruefulness to it. Or, Tony tells himself it’s inexplicable. Better yet – that he doesn’t know that he is wearing anything but a perfectly normal smile. “I bet. You’ll live in a celestial palace and be a benevolent god of the night, far away from all us pesky humans.” 

Next to him, there’s a shift, and when Tony turns his head, Loki’s looking at him with those big, green eyes. Tony feels trapped and freed at once. He feels like something is going to give underneath them any second now, like they’ll lose their balance and slide right off the roof, and he cannot tell if they’re about to float or fall.

“Will you come with me?” Loki asks after a moment.

Tony thinks of the way they kissed, of they way they stopped talking, of the way they’ve made their way back together but still haven’t really started talking again, so much as they’ve just exchanged words.

He thinks about how this is a silly question about impossible what-ifs, he thinks about how drunk they are, he thinks about how that question is so fucking heavy with everything they aren’t saying to each other.

“To the stars?” His voice is low, but not a whisper, and Loki nods.

He thinks about how truthful his answer is going to be, and how much it’ll hurt when they both dismiss it as part of a joke. But he nods anyway.

“I’ll go anywhere with you.”

And before he knows it, they’ve both moved in for a hurried kiss, one they sink deeper and deeper into with each passing second, hands in hair, bodies entangled so fast that Tony barely registers it happen. Loki moans quietly, and Tony breathes it in, letting it filter through his lungs and into his bloodstream, as if Loki wasn’t already so much a part of him that he’d have to be taken apart at a cellular level to be free of him again.

Their furious clinging to each other makes them slide a bit down the roof. But they’re not falling; it only sends a rush through Tony, and it makes him want this more.


	9. Chapter 9

Despite Tony knowing better, he and Loki wind up in bed together.

It’s like Tony’s brain has short circuited, and all reason and logic has abandoned him. And Tony’s aware that said reason and logic has left the building and could be dancing naked in the park for all he knows. But he just. can’t. care.

How is he supposed to find a single flying fuck to give, when Loki’s hands are sliding up under his shirt; freezing against his abdomen from being out in the cold night, but lighting a fire in him and heating him up, simultaneously like kerosene on a fire and the rising sun spilling over on a dewy field of grass?

How is he supposed to mind this temporary insanity, when Loki’s mouth is enough to have even his atheist beliefs trembling, because surely this is what a religious experience must feel like?

How is he ever meant to pull himself together and stop this, when Loki’s body is revealed to him, inch by pale inch, and those long, long limbs drag him closer, trapping him with only slightly less effectiveness than the way Tony’s name sounds on Loki’s lips in the midst of ecstasy, sweat slicking their bodies and enabling the delicious slide of Tony on Loki and Loki on Tony, teeth sinking into shoulders, nails running down backs, shivers making a seemingly permanent home in their spines, while they stand and rise and crest and fall together, hotter, heavier, more, more, more…. until it’s over and they’re both panting, until it’s unclear how many times they’ve breathed each other in and settled into each other’s lungs, each other’s bloodstream?

The answer? He isn’t.

So he doesn’t.


	10. Chapter 10

A pattern starts to take shape.

They drink. They hook up. They wake up the next morning and continue pretending, that they’re still just friends. They drink. They hook up. They wake up. They pretend, they’re just friends.

And so the cycle continues.

It’s the best, and worst, Tony has felt in a long time.

He doesn’t understand, why this is. He’s getting, what he wants, right? He hangs out with Loki, like they always do, only now there’s sex involved.

It probably doesn’t help that, Tony being Tony, he refuses to sit down and analyze it properly.

If he did, he would see, just how not uncomplicated things are. Because they’re hanging out, but there is an undercurrent of tension, an awkward edge that makes them both question everything. That they only ever wind up in bed and open up to each other, if they’re drunk.

If he did, he would see, how simple friendship and uncomplicated sex isn’t anywhere close, to being what he wants. How he wants to hold Loki’s hand in the cafeteria, how he wants to kiss him goodbye in front of the dorms, how he wants to openly tell people about them.

If he did, he would see, that there is a reason, he isn’t telling his friends. A reason that goes beyond privacy. A reason that goes beyond Loki being Loki with his wily and secretive ways.

He starts to drink a little more, and Pepper asks about it.

“I’m just letting loose. College, y’know. Stressful. Gotta wind down.”

As if either of them believe it.

“Is this about Loki?”

Tony makes a face. “Why would it be about Loki? Loki’s cool. Nothing’s up with Loki. Everything’s fine with Loki.”

As if either of them believe it.

Pepper sighs. “I just want what’s best for you.”

That, at least, Tony knows to be true. Sweet Pepper, always there for him. Why couldn’t he have fallen in love with her?

He shoots her a wan smile. “I know. I’ll pull myself together.”

As if either of them believe it.


	11. Chapter 11

At this point, it would be natural to wonder what exactly is keeping them apart.

Tony’s been asking himself that very question a lot, at least. And every time he does, he cannot find a good answer. Because it all leads back to Loki.

Yes, Tony has his issues. Issues with commitment and communication and learning how to put words to his feelings. Issues with not just burying his head in the sand, until things inevitably explode.

But at the same time, it always leads back to Loki

Tony tries to ask him for answers, multiple times. Two thirds of the time, he cannot figure out how to voice what he really means to ask. The remaining attempts wind up with Loki being dismissive of him and retreating. (Thinking about it, Tony isn’t entirely sure that that isn’t also because he’s going about asking in the wrong way.)

But how do you tell a close friend that you’re fantastically, incredibly, world-shaking-itself-apart in love with them? How do you tell them that whatever issues they’re struggling with, whatever is holding them back and making them as skittish and as feral as a wild, wounded cat, you’ll do whatever it takes for things to be worked out? How do you tell them that you know they love you too, even if they’ll never show it unless you’re both steeped in alcohol?

It’s not technically healthy, Tony knows. But feelings have not exactly been known to worry about that.

And all that aside, is Tony even ready to step into such a role?

Because Loki is not the only one with issues, whatever they may be. Tony knows he has a long list of flaws and baggage. He drinks; his father is hardly a shining example of what a man should be to those he loves; he works himself to the bone; he works and works and works until three days have passed and some anniversary or other gone unacknowledged; he’s inappropriate; he’s rude; he’s perpetually late; he’s never learned how to deal with his emotions; he has no semblance of a normal daily rhythm.

The list goes on and on.

Tony has to admit that he doesn’t know Loki well enough yet to know what his issues are. But he’s intimately familiar with the crap he brings to the table.

Looking at all that, jumbled up and chaotic and messy, just like he is… how could he ever hope to fix whatever mess inside Loki is keeping them from what they truly want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear, the angst is going to be dialed down by the next chapter


	12. Chapter 12

It’s not all bad, of course.

Whenever Loki’s with him, it’s a lot easier to forget about their issues. Something about Loki’s company makes Tony more prone to forget about everything that’s wrong with the world, and just focus on all the ways this, at least, is so, so right.

It’s one of those times tonight.

“Your turn,” Loki says, nodding towards Tony’s phone. They’re playing the iPod shuffle game, each of them taking turns to put their music libraries on shuffle. It’s surprisingly high stakes – you have the potential to look really, really good, but also the potential to look really, really bad.

Tony takes the phone and fumbles a bit with it. They’ve both had a bit to drink; not enough to be drunk, just enough to make this game ten times funnier. He finally manages to press the shuffle button, and…  
Oh.

Loki’s already howling with laughter, and Tony can’t blame him. Because out of the speakers of his phone comes the dulcet tones of Mana Mana.

Tony doesn’t know if it’s a redeeming quality or not that it’s the Muppets version rather than the original.

Loki’s laughter calms a bit, but he takes one look at Tony’s face, and off he goes again, laughing and laughing and laughing, until his green eyes are shining with tears. And how is Tony supposed to resist that? Loki laughing is the eighth wonder of the world; nothing beats how beautiful and happy he looks and sounds when he is this carefree and unrestrained.

And so, Tony can’t help but join in on the laughter. And why shouldn’t he? It’s a silly song, and Tony is not too uptight to have a laugh at his own expense. Under the right circumstances, at any rate. And, well. It’s impossible to take yourself too seriously when a Muppets song is blasting from your phone.

By the time they’re finally managing to calm down, the song is almost over. “Alright, funny man,” Tony says, after a few deep breaths. “Your turn.”

Clearly bolstered by the fact that whatever will come out of pressing that shuffle button, it won’t be as embarrassing as this, Loki confidently takes his turn.

A cover of Bohemian Rhapsody comes on.

It’s by the Muppets.

They take one look at each other, and they’re lost once again, laughing loud enough that someone nearby screams for them to shut the fuck up.

Tony doesn’t care. He keeps laughing right alongside Loki, too high and happy to stop. He knows then and there that he’s met his soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is loosely based on true events


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of gay conversion camps, homophobia, and abusive relationships in this. It's not very explicit, but if you're triggered, I'll leave a quick summary of this chapter in the end notes.

Eventually, Loki caves.

It happens when they’re practically sober, too, which is what surprises Tony most of all. He suspects it’s because they’re in the dark; there’s a power outage in the building. Evidently, the light go out and the walls come down.

“I’m not… technically out.”

What follows is a harrowing tale that Tony wishes he would not have burned so thoroughly into his brain. Or rather, he wishes Loki wouldn’t have had to endure it. That there was nothing for Tony to hear.

It’s a tale of a boy that knew early on he was gay.

It’s a tale of a boy who got bullied for his identity, and when he told his family, he was sent away to the kind of camp where praying the day away counts as a good day.

It’s a tale of a boy who was shoved back into the closet, and who’s only ever been able to date in secret.

It’s a tale of a boy who’s met some less than stellar men and some truly awful people, because it feels like nobody else will have you, like nobody else could find you, like nobody else could live with the secrecy, when you’re forced to hide like this.

It’s a tale of a boy who’s had nobody to turn to when he suffered from bruised a bruised wrist and an equally bruised heart.

It’s a tale of a boy that does not know how love can exist in the light, even now that he has the opportunity to grasp a little more freedom for himself, here, where daddy dearest cannot reach him anymore.

“Oh, Loki,” Tony whispers.

He aches to reach out and touch him. He doesn’t. He can’t, not right now.

“I understand if it’s too much for you,” Loki tells him, so softly that his voice becomes part of the tapestry that is the dark cocooning them. “It’s a lot. And it’s a lot to ask of you. I’m not going to tie you down, Tony, not when I know that I cannot give you what you want.”

Tony knows that’s true. But right this moment, he’s just so grateful for knowing. At least it isn’t him. At least it isn’t them.

It’s so many other people, it’s so many other forces out to get them, apart or together. But at least it’s not them.

“It’s cool.” That’s what Tony tells him, and when he feels something brushing gently against him, and he realizes it is Loki’s hand searching for his, Tony doesn’t hesitate to take it.

He knows that this’ll be his only chance to do so with such ease. He has no idea what their relationship is going to look like when the lights come back on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who want a summary of the chapter to avoid triggers:
> 
> Odin's bad parenting, lack of acceptance, and attempts to make Loki less gay forced Loki to seek out romantic relationships in secret; this led to him dating less than savoury characters. As a result of all these factors mixed together, Loki is not confident in his ability to have a healthy, normal, open relationship with Tony. He confesses this to Tony, while the power is out.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> modern au in which we can still kiss and touch people because no virus is in circulation

Sometime after the power is out, Tony walks Loki to the front steps of the building.

It’s, frankly, quite awkward. Because how do you bounce back after everything Loki’s just spilled in the dark? There is no denying that the world just wasn’t the same once the lights came back on, and neither of them are foolish enough to try.

Add to that that they put their relationship onto the table for re-examination, but none of them really stepped up and made any decisions about what things are going to be like from now on.

Tony mostly wants to hide and be a coward, but… this isn’t just about him, is it? And after last night, he can’t just leave Loki to it. He can’t let him walk away, feeling confused and uncertain. Or worse, like this is Tony abandoning him, or that this is Tony about to leave so Loki should strike first.

He clears his throat and leans against the doorway, looking up at Loki. “So, uh...”

Loki raises an eyebrow. He looks so fucking cool and calm and collected. It’s only because Tony knows him better than nearly anyone else by now, that he can tell that Loki feels as nervous as him. Tony can’t tell if it should soothe him that they’re in the same boat, or worry him that Loki is much more likely to act out because of it.

“Yes?”

“About… what we just talked about. And us...” But Tony can hear how he sounds, and he takes a steadying breath, covering his eyes with his hand before dragging his palm down his face and letting his arm fall back down against his side.

Come on. He can do this. He has to. It’ll be worth it in the end.

“What are we?”

He has to force the words out. They stumble slightly, and they’re a bit rushed, and boy is this not the smoothest, coolest moment of Tony’s life. But they get the job done all the same, and Tony doubts that he could have done this in any way that wouldn’t have put that mixture of pain, confusion, anxiety, and pretend aloofness on his face.

“Is there a we?” Loki tries, but it doesn’t deter Tony. Doesn’t even hurt him, he’ll swear, because he knows the place of pain this deflection is coming from.

“In some way, shape, or form, yes, there is. Unless you’re saying I mean nothing to you in any way?”

Loki hesitates, but isn’t yet so cornered that is willing to use this question as a means of escape. “Of course I’m not,” he says softly. He’s sighing, ducking his head, lifting it back up only to look to the side. Unease is written all over him, but it’s written like a child’s secret message, spelled out with lemon juice in bold strokes and invisible to all who do not know to look for it.

Tony’s shoulders relax and lower a fraction. “Good. So tell me what we are.” There’s no pretending. Loki spoke as if he was ready to dump Tony, and as if he was giving Tony the choice to dump him at the same time. Tony answered, vague and diffuse, words that could both have meant ‘I understand it’s over’ and ‘I understand it’s difficult’.

Nothing is certain.

Loki is quiet for some time. Tony can’t tell if it’s seconds or years. Then, Loki finally looks back at him. “How about we keep it casual?” he asks. “No rules. Like we’ve always done.”

So much of Tony is screaming against it, but… there’s also a lot of relief.

This way, he doesn’t have to make decisions or think too much. They can just keep things up as usual. He isn’t losing Loki.

And for now, he’s willing to leave it at that.

Tony nods. “Alright. Deal. Sounds like heaven to me.” A very fragile, delicate, breakable sense of heaven. He covers that bit up with a grin.

“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Loki replies, outwardly appearing equally relieved – which isn’t deeply comforting. Tony knows what his own relief covers, even if he isn’t willing to admit to it.

Loki seems to hesitate for a second, then leans in to kiss Tony goodbye. His movements stutter a bit; like he repeatedly cycles between uncertainty and determination.

Tony then watches him walk away. The gravel under his boots creak like something’s cracking and breaking under the weight of his every step.


	15. Chapter 15

For the most part, after that, Tony thinks he is doing pretty okay.

So, okay, right, he isn’t actually any closer to having a tangible framework for their relationship. In theory, yes, he can see why some might argue that this means he’s exactly where he was before.

But Tony firmly disagrees. The lack of a framework and clearly defined boundaries are, in fact, clearly defined. They’ve talked, and things haven’t changed, but at least no unspoken rules are lurking in the corners, waiting to trip up a poor, unsuspecting sucker for not knowing better.

Everything is on the table.

Right?

And hey! Tony knows it’s not about him now. Does that make him wish he could swoop in and save Loki from his past and his troubles and his issues any less? Of course not. It’s human to want to, right? If Pepper knew about those thoughts or about Loki’s past – Tony is not enough of an asshole to tell her this, this is not for him to share - she would probably love to argue that it’s codependent. Tony likes to think that wishing you could erase all bad things in the world for someone is a natural by-product of love.

Love. Ahem. Okay. Moving on.

What Pepper does know is that Tony and Loki had a talk.

“And that’s it? You’re just… nothing?”

Tony makes a face. When she puts it like that…

“No. We’re friends. We’re good friends, Pep,” he says with a completely natural and nonchalant shrug. “We’re just good friends who sometimes kiss and have sex, if both parties are so inclined, and who don’t need to impose other restrictions or labels on what we have. Because it works.”

“Except it didn’t. For quite a while. You were miserable, Tony.”

Ah! A question Tony knows the right thing to say to. “That was before we talked, Pepper. Communicating. Sharing. All that good stuff you’re so fond of promoting. See? We did the thing. It’s good now.”

Pepper gives him a look. “Is it?”

Tony is unwilling to think about the effort he puts into making sure his smile is picture perfect and impenetrable. Not a fault to be found, and that smiles dares her to try. “Of course. Look at me. Smiling. Happy. See? The evidence is right here on my face.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bit of a filler, but I needed this to set us up for the next chapter, where things will absolutely happen, I promise


	16. Chapter 16

As Tony is fully aware that plenty of people could tell him they knew would happen, he is slipping again.

He is finally admitting to himself that his talk with Loki, while enlightening, wasn’t satisfying. And the high of deluding himself that they’d reached a good place through healthy communication did not last. He is sliding, lower and lower and lower.

Until he’s pretty damned sure he’s reached rock bottom. Or run face first into a wall, built on all the half truths they’ve told themselves and each other. A wall that needs to be torn down if Tony ever hopes to make it past it.

It happens a few weeks after their talk.

Loki’s out of town for a family thing. Tony’d tried to talk him out of it, hadn’t wanted him to walk straight into the lion’s den, knowing what those people have put Loki through. But Loki’d brushed him off, and, well. Tony was allowed to worry as a friend, but he was not allowed to go that extra mile because they didn’t have that extra something.

(That’s bullshit, Tony knows deep deep down. They do have that extra something, they just refuse to identify it and slap a label on it and learn to live accordingly.)

Point is, Loki’s out of town, Loki’s out of reach, and Loki’s in every single nook and cranny of Tony’s mind.

It’s too much, and Tony decides to fix it the only way he knows how.

He’s gonna get drunk.

The club’s dark, and it’s loud, and it’s everything Tony is desperately craving, an ugly and heart wrenching craving that’s twisting him bitterly and pushing him places in his mind he’s both mildly horrified at and relishing in.

It’s also so dark and so loud that he can pretend the guy currently flirting with him is Loki.

“Come here often?” the guy yells, and his smirk is obscured enough that Tony can almost confuse it with Loki’s, can also mistake the guys long hair and long limbs for Loki.

Almost is good enough; Tony can drown the niggling doubt in drink.

Yet at his core, he never fools himself.

Not when they’re dancing. Not when they’re pulling each other closer by the hips. Not when they crash in an inelegant kiss that tastes so utterly foreign and wrong underneath the layers of alcohol and smoke.

Certainly not when the guy leans in and yells in his ear; “my place or yours? I live five minutes away.”

Tony thinks of Loki.

He thinks of the way Loki likes to take walks to clear his mind, and when he’s in a particular sort of melancholic mood, he invariably comes back with a new tiny plant for his dorm room.

He thinks of the way Loki so rarely opens up and lets his guard down, but when he does, he imagines his feelings of awe and privilege are akin to experiencing the aurora borealis, and he knows he would trade ten of his secrets for a single one of Loki’s.

He thinks of the way Loki’d once jokingly said “don’t fall in love with me” after watching some hilariously bad manic pixie dream girl movie, and Tony had laughed, but now he knows that he will come crawling back, again and again and again, no matter how many times Loki’ll try to push him away.

He thinks of the way Loki’d looked at the stars the night before leaving, how he’d turned to look at Tony after talking some more about his past and his family and his feelings of ostracization and said “you could’ve saved me, I think” and how he’d smiled ruefully when Tony’d said “there’s still time.”

He thinks of the note Loki’d pushed under Tony’s door before going to catch his bus, while Tony was still asleep, the note that reads “I hope people tell you all the things I don't”, and how Tony could picture the rueful edge to Loki’s smile last night, and how Tony would give anything because he just wants Loki to laugh again.

There’s no doubt at all what lies in Tony’s heart, is there?

But he’s lonely and he’s frustrated, and his emotions need a break for one damn night. He’s so sick of feeling, and he’s felt so much more and so much more intensely with Loki than he knew a human heart could endure.

Ultimately, he flicks the switch, pushes all those wretched feelings and thoughts aside, and grins up at his dance partner.

“Yours,” he says and convinces himself it’s just for the sake of convenience.

(Because even now, even like this, he can’t stand the thought of erasing the spot Loki so recently occupied in his bed with something as filthy and mindless and wrong as this.)


	17. Chapter 17

Despite deep down knowing better, Tony goes through with the one night stand.

On the surface, it does feel good. The guy’s no Loki in bed, but Tony is more than happy to just turn off his brain for the time being and let himself sink into the physical sensations and the pleasure this guy’s body can provide.

But once Tony turns his brain back on, he knows this was just about that; using this guy’s body. And he doesn’t feel bad for the guy, because he clearly isn’t under the illusion that this is the start of some grand fairytale romance.

He does, however, feel immensely bad for himself and, strangely, for Loki.

He doesn’t stay the night. And the walk home is more than enough time for him to mull things over. Time he needs but does not want.

Technically, he didn’t do anything wrong. No rules was the name of the game. And Loki was the one to decree it as such. 

So why does it feel like Tony fucked up so royally and monumentally?

Truth is, he knows. He doesn’t spend the walk home searching for answers.

He spends it building up the courage for an admission, even if only to himself.

He loves Loki. He’s stupidly, recklessly, foolheartedly in love with Loki.

He’d never had the intention of doing so, he had only ever meant for this to be a friendship or a casual hook up. And yet, here he was. Loki had been a tidal wave, a hurricane, a goddamn landslide, and Tony had never stood a chance of evading what had come crashing right into him.

And Tony knows, he just knows, that Loki must feel something too.

Because Loki is so damn reserved, but he’d opened up and let Tony in. Because Loki smiles so little and laughs even less, but the way he always giggles while they drink vodka slushies and make fun of each other is etched into Tony’s mind forever. Because Loki hates being vulnerable more than anything else, but he never objects when Tony holds him through the night and soothes his bad dreams away.

Tony doesn’t think Loki will ever tell him, but he knows.

And it’s not an awe-inspiring, confidence-inducing sort of knowledge either. It pains him to know, because Loki is hiding because Loki is hurting. And Tony can’t have him while Loki is this much of a mess.

Still… he owes Loki the truth.

He’d, quite frankly, rather shove bamboo splinters under his nails than embark on the journey he feels reasonably sure he is going to, but…

But even if Tony won’t be the one to benefit, Loki will. And that’s enough for him.

He’s home by now, and he wonders where the miles of pavement went. He has no real memory of his feet moving, conquering the distance between the stranger’s apartment and his own place bit by bit.

All the same, he knows what he must do. He has to be honest with Loki. He has to let him know what happened, that he’s hurting, that he knows Loki’s hurting, that Loki needs to do something, and that Tony knows he needs to do something too.

He picks his phone out of his pocket. It’s late and he’s a bit drunk and now is a terrible time to try and have such a serious conversation, but he doesn’t care. It’s like that movie, what’s it called, it’s on the tip of his tongue, he thinks Meg Ryan’s in it. Something about wanting the rest of forever to start as soon as possible once you finally know what you want, except for the bit where this isn’t a happy ending, and Meg Ryan probably didn’t need therapy the way Loki probably does.

Loki picks up. Tony’s vaguely surprised. Like he only now realizes the magnitude of what he’s doing.

He must have missed Loki’s greeting, too wrapped up in his own thoughts, because when he finally registers that Loki is speaking, he sounds concerned. “Tony? Are you well? Tony, answer me.”

Tony makes a vague noise and Loki, assured that Tony is indeed on the line, falls quiet.

A few beats pass while Tony negotiates with his mouth, convincing his tongue to form the words he needs to say.

“I kissed someone else.”

The silence on the other end is loud; he wonders if this is what it sounds like in the aftermath of a bomb.


	18. Chapter 18

They both know that Tony technically didn’t do anything wrong.

Because ‘no rules’ was Loki’s idea. Loki was the one who voiced that idea and put it in place, and Tony knows that maybe it makes him an idiot, but he’d been willing to go along with whatever Loki had asked for right then.

They both know that Loki has no right to be upset. And they both know he is anyway.

Tony loses track of time. He exists in a bit of a haze; he does what he’s supposed to, he sees his friends, he does his work, but he regularly looks up and wonders how he got to where he is. Literally and more metaphorically.

This is why, when Tony next sees Loki, he has no idea how long it’s been since that fateful phone call.

“Loki?” he calls. He’s just left Clint’s dorm room, it’s late at night, the hallways are suspiciously deserted. And yet, there Loki is, pale in the glow of the vending machine he is in the midst of operating.

Loki looks up, an instinctual move rather than a deliberate one, and his expression is pinched.

“Tony,” he speaks, so measured that it belies how unsteady he must be feeling underneath. Tony can’t tell if that’s a relief or not, but at least Loki is responding to him. He’ll take his wins where he can.

“Been a while,” Tony says, shrugging a bit in an effort to not be awkward. It probably makes him look very awkward.

Loki’s glare is withering. “Well, I’m sure you haven’t been lacking for companionship. You’ve proven adept at entertaining yourself in my absence before.”

It makes something in Tony snap and he glares right back. “That’s not fair, and you know it,” he accuses.

The man in front of him, so beautiful and perfect and everything Tony wants, even now, withers and lowers his head. The light of the vending machine throws strange shadows on his face, but they’re soon obscured by the hand Loki lifts to rub his face. He doesn’t lower it, even when it stills, as if trying to cover his expression. Maybe he is; Loki’s face is stony, but his eyes are not, and Tony knows how to read them better than pretty much anyone else. It hurts and soothes Tony to look at him.

That doesn’t stop Tony. He’s about to get going now, and Loki barely gets to squeeze out an “I know,” before Tony steamrolls right over him. He’s tired hurting in love exhausted needing longing wishing hoping dreaming dying wasting away, and he can’t hold back anymore.

“No, you don’t know,” Tony says. “This sucks for us both, but you’re the one who insisted we stick to no rules, and now you don’t get to be offended that I’ve crossed some line that we never agreed to.” Which is mildly unfair of Tony, too, he knows. They’re both being unfair. Tony didn’t break an explicit rule, but he broke one they both adhered to anyway. Tony didn’t do anything wrong, not technically, but Loki is entitled to his feelings. And Tony hates that they’re both so wrong and both so right. “There’s nothing I want more than to be with you, you complete and utter fucking asshole, and you won’t let me, you know you won’t. You don’t get to be angry with me for a meaningless fuck, not when you’re the one who’s keeping us apart.”

In the quiet that follows, Tony is oddly aware of how impassioned, rushed, and sharp his speech was, and how heavy some of his admissions have been, now that they’ve left his mouth and they’re out in the open. His breath comes out too loudly against the silence. He wonders if he looks as crazed as he feels in the odd light of the vending machine.

Loki, for his part, lowers his hand to look at Tony, and his expression is… blank. But also startled and resigned and angry and hurting and… relieved?

“I do know,” he insists, voice soft and quiet, yet no less capable of piercing right through Tony’s armor. If he has any left, at this point. He always feels so defenseless against Loki; it’s freeing when things are good. Now? Now the weightlessness is replaced with vulnerability, heavy shackles keeping him grounded.

“Don’t you think I want you too?” Loki asks, and Tony doesn’t have to reply. Because of course Tony knows he’s not upset for nothing. He knows what they share and the complexities keeping them apart. “I want you, Tony,” and the victory is sweet but short-lived, because Loki continues, “but you know why I can’t.”   
And boy, does Tony know, about the gulf of issues keeping them apart.

He closes his eyes and leans against the vending machine. He lets out a harsh breath, even as long, cold fingers lace with his and gently squeeze.

He’s too tired to figure out what they’re trying to tell him.


	19. Chapter 19

The bad news is that they still don’t really talk about what’s going on.

  
  


They want to, but they both need some time, and Tony hopes that they will eventually be ready to discuss it. That doesn’t really make it easier to deal with in the meantime, though.

  
  


The good news is that they at least aren’t avoiding each other anymore.

  
  


In theory, Tony supposes that he could just throw his hands up in the air, surrender, abandon this relationship and go have sex with a string of beautiful, faceless people. And then, somewhere down the line, find someone healthy and stable to be with. Someone who can mellow him out, keep him on an even keel.

  
  


And it isn’t like he doesn’t think about it. He cares deeply about Loki, and he would do whatever it took if it meant he would be okay. But he also recognizes that this isn’t good for either of them.

  
  


He thinks about this, even now, as he’s sitting in a booth at a local diner, Loki pressed against his side, their friends taking up the rest of the seats.

  
  


He thinks about how he could be here without Loki, or maybe Loki could be here, but strictly as friends, and they could relax and be comfortable and happy and never once would their thoughts stray to the incredible mess between them.

  
  


He thinks about Loki, how he must be feeling, how Loki clearly needs help and Tony can’t give it to him, nor does he know how to make sure Loki seeks it out from someone who can.

  
  


Gods, he should really just stop whatever the hell it is they’re doing.

  
  


But as he looks at him now? That pale, flawless skin, the regal profile, the mischief in his eyes as he pokes fun at Thor, the ease grace of his fingers wrapped around a cold glass, the stunning curve of his smile?

  
  


Tony knows what he feels for Loki is the love of a lifetime. There’s no way he’ll give it up, just because there’s a couple of bumps in the road.


	20. Chapter 20

Tony’s always liked Loki’s room.

His own room’s almost embarrassingly neat, and that is only because his life isn’t really in that room. He lives in his workshop and in the company of other people. He’s never felt the need for a safe base before. His parents taught him to do just fine without.

But when he sits here on Loki’s bed, sees the scattered books and mugs, a notebook left open and a pen closeby, pictures and posters of famous art on the walls, an old stuffed horse hidden halfway under the bed, Tony wonders if he couldn’t perhaps get used to the idea of a home after all.

His reason for being here, right now, in this moment, however, isn’t nearly as fuzzy and warm.

He and Loki are mutually trying to break off their thing.

“I need help,” says Loki. “And you shouldn’t be the one to pick me up and put me back together.”

“I can’t do this,” says Tony. “And I should try to take care of myself for once.”

“We’re hurting each other,” says Loki. “And we’d both be better off if we parted and sorted our messes out.”

“We need to do this right,” says Tony. “And we need our space and some clean lines to do that.”

Loki nods, looking down. He shifts back and forth between smoothing a wrinkle in the sheets and picking at a loose thread. The last rays of sun of the day are shining through the open window, casting Loki in a golden haze, and Tony wonders how he’s supposed to give him up.

Loki looks up, and their eyes meet.

He can’t. He can’t give this up, he can’t. He doesn’t care that they’re screwing up, he doesn’t care that by sticking together, it’s like neither of them are even trying, he doesn’t care that they both have shit to sort out and they’re probably making it worse.

He doesn’t fucking care.

They lunge at each other at the same time, lips crashing in a kiss fueled by pained desire and a love that burns so bright that it hurts as much as it warms.

But, as their clothes land on the floor, one haphazard item at a time, pristinely made bed getting mussed up as they scramble to get at each other, Tony just doesn’t fucking care.


	21. Chapter 21

And so they fall right back into the mess of their previous relationship.

Their attempt to break up had been genuine. They love each other, unspoken as it might have been, and they love each other enough to wish that they weren’t hurting each other like this.

Because that’s what they’re doing. They’re hurting each other, with every touch meant to soothe, calm, adore, they twist the knife a little more.

They know it. They’re so fucking aware of it that the half of it would be enough. 

But they love each other. They want each other. And it’s too much for either of them to let go.

Tony recalls seeing some stupid day time TV show, someone had said something… what was it, something about needing to be ready for change for change to occur. Something like, you can’t change unless you’re ready for it. You can’t help someone who isn’t ready to be helped.

That’s how it feels, Tony thinks. Like they aren’t ready. He recalls something else the woman from TV said, something about coping mechanisms being like clinging to a raft on the open ocean. But that, eventually, you’d have to let go of the raft to get aboard the ship come to save you.

Mixing all those wise wise words together, Tony supposes neither he nor Loki are ready to let go of the raft that is their fucked up relationship. Maybe they will be some day, but until then, it seems they’re not even trying to fight what’s between them.

Loki’s his raft, Tony knows. And he’s Loki’s. And there’s no fucking ship coming to save them. Not yet. That’s what Tony tells himself, clinging to Loki through another restless night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that it's been a lot of introspective feelsy stuff lately, but we're getting to more plot and more stuff actually happening as of the next chapter


	22. Chapter 22

It’s 2am. Monday night is bleeding into Tuesday morning, and neither Tony nor Loki can sleep.

They’d been texting, idly chatting about homework and poor sleep schedules, when Loki’d made the suggestion.

“Why don’t we go for a drive?” he’d asked. And Tony hadn’t known a refusal to that.

“I don’t know. Why don’t we?”

They’ve been driving for maybe an hour. They’re long out of the city by now, but the moon is bright and the stars are numerous. The world is lit up, but in that odd sort of way that comes with a clear night. Like the world is void of color.

Tony notes to himself that Loki with his almost completely achromatic colouring doesn’t look all that different to the way he looks in the daylight. And while Tony does miss the green of his eyes, there’s something about him in the moonlight that makes Tony feel like Loki isn’t of this world.

He’s stunning, he’s always been stunning to Tony. But in the moonlight, his lines are all the more severe and bold, his contrasting hair and skin clashing even harder. He looks like he’s the king of a people that rules in the shadows, and Tony thinks he deserves an award for keeping his eyes on the road. Well. Most of the time at any rate.

Sometimes they talk, and sometimes they’re content to listen to the radio. At the moment, Tony’s humming under his breath, and Loki’s resting his head against the window. It’s peaceful, and Tony’s content.

Until Loki sits bolt upright, startling Tony a bit.

“Pull over,” he demands, and Tony’d be worried if Loki didn’t sound so excited.

“What the fuck?” he demands, but he pulls over anyway. They’re on the edge of a field, and the headlights are illuminating the grass. Somewhere further away, fireflies are buzzing around.

Grinning and excited, Loki turns up the radio, and hops out of the car, the sounds of Outfield singing Your Love spilling out after him.

Puzzled, Tony exits the car, a bemused smile on his face. But before he can ask anything, Loki’s hand is in his, Loki’s hips swaying as he sings along. Or rather, yells along. His body’s graceful, but his singing is not. He obviously doesn’t care one bit about elegance in that moment. He’s young and free and singing at the top of his lungs, and Tony falls in love with how happy his friend looks.

Sometimes, quite often even, things can be rough between them. But they’re also so, so good. And this moment is one he’ll think of for months to come, whenever he wonders why he puts up with it.

He doesn’t so much make a conscious decision to empty his head and join in on Loki’s impromtu dance party. He just… does it. They must look foolish, dancing and screaming in the headlights of Tony’s car, but the only witnesses are the fireflies and the stars in the sky.

When the song ends, they’re both panting and flushed and grinning so hard it hurts. It makes a small part of Tony want to confess to his love, but mostly he just wants this moment to remain untainted. It’s pure and it’s happy, and he wants to preserve it as is.

Still, when Loki pulls him in for a kiss, Tony feels like he can’t quite keep quiet. It’s simultaneously the hottest and the sweetest thing he’s ever done, and he runs his fingers up into Loki’s hair, dips them into the waistband of his jeans and just up under the hem of his shirt to tease along a sharp hip bone, shivers at the way Loki’s own wandering hands explore the ridges of Tony’s spine like they’re searching for a secret message. If there is one, Tony’s sure it’s a love declaration, and he hopes Loki never finds it, so that they may keep this up, touching and never speaking.

Eventually, they pull apart, and fuck, Tony just about drowns in those green, green eyes, color once more present in the artifical light from Tony’s headlights.

He almost can’t control his tongue. “I...”

He hesitates, wrestling with what he should and shouldn’t say, but Loki shakes his head. “I know,” he promises, “me too,” and they kiss again.


	23. Chapter 23

More often than not these days, Tony and Loki eat lunch together.

Sometimes they’re lively lunches, full of laughter so loud it earns them scornful glances and less than subtle scoffs, designed to make them quiet down. As if they’re aware of anything other than each other, or they’d care if they were.

Sometimes they’re an easy silence, Loki’s nose in a book and Tony’s eyes on his paper and pen. It should feel weird, but it doesn’t. Tony likes the peace of mind that Loki’s presence gives him, knowing he’s safe and happy and content, and he would choose to spend his time with Tony even if Tony has nothing but his proximity to offer.

And sometimes, like today, Loki’s in one of his moods. 

On days like this, Loki’s barely touching his food, absently toying with an acid green apple, and his gaze is faraway, directed at the glass wall at the end of the cafeteria, but seeing nothing. A couple of kids run past outside, screaming and laughing as they rush past the trees, and Loki doesn’t even blink.

Tony takes that as his cue to ask.

“Something on your mind?”

Loki hums and turns his attention back to the present. Privately, Tony’s pleased when his softly spoken question catches Loki’s attention when nothing else clearly could. “Yes, but I don’t know if you’ll like what it is.”

“Tell me anyway.”

Another hum. Tony can tell by the slight change in tone that this hum is different than the first one, that this is his thinking-hum rather than his acknowledgement-hum. “I’m waiting,” he says, and when Tony says nothing, he continues. “Sometimes, I just think that there has to be an end to your patience. Like one day, you’ll get sick of my indecision and volatility, and you’ll be gone. And I’m just… Today feels like such a day. So I’m just left waiting for you to cut to the chase and cut to the bone, and just end it with me.”

For a long moment, Tony doesn’t speak. He needs a moment to process this. And he knows he should rush to reassure Loki, tell him he’ll be waiting for a long time, forever even, for Tony to give up on him.

But Tony knows he cannot guarantee that his patience, their relationship, might not have an expiration date. Especially since he’s constantly waiting for Loki to do the very same thing.

Instead, he bites the inside of his cheek and exhales heavily through his nose. He reaches out to lace his fingers with Loki’s, and Loki not only lets him, but squeezes his hand back.

“Yeah… I know the feeling.”

They don’t speak anymore during this lunch, and Tony feels lighter and heavier at the same time.


End file.
